She Didn’t Ask Her Advisor A Question For Six Years

On why women who already have a financial advisor still don't ask questions in their own meetings.

TL;DR A client I’ll call Dana—a composite, not an actual client—spent six years nodding along to a phrase in someone else’s meetings and never asked what it meant. New research from totumai says that’s not rare: nearly half of women with an advisor hold back questions in their own meetings. What changed for Dana wasn’t more financial education. It was hearing that a friend’s advisor explained things without being asked twice.

I've Heard This Story Before

Dana first heard the phrase “tax-loss harvesting” in a meeting with her old advisor. She nodded, meant to look it up later, and didn’t. It came up again the next year. She nodded again. By the third or fourth time, asking felt more awkward than not knowing, so she stopped trying. That was six years.

What the Research Actually Shows

totumai’s 2026 survey of 300 women investors found that 46.5 percent of women who already have an advisor hesitate to ask questions in their own meetings, out of concern it’ll reveal something they should already know. Nearly two-thirds— 65.8 percent—say they don’t always know what questions to ask in the first place.

That applies to women who are not new to money. Most already have an advisor. Most are running something—a company, a household budget bigger than some companies, a career built on making calls all day. The hesitation isn’t about what they know. It’s about how the meeting is run.

What Changed for My Client

It wasn’t a market event, and it wasn’t a life event—no divorce, no inheritance. It was a conversation with a friend, who mentioned in passing that her advisor explains things. Dana told me that stopped her, because she realized she’d stopped expecting that to be an option. That’s common. Most women in that position aren’t choosing silence—they’ve just never had a meeting run differently, so they assume the one they’re in is standard.

The First Meeting

In our first meeting, the same phrase came up—“tax-loss harvesting.” I stopped and asked if that was clear. It wasn’t. It took about ninety seconds to explain. Dana told me afterward that was the moment she decided not to go back to her old advisor. This wasn’t about some magical abilities I possessed, or that the other advisor was particularly bad. It was simpler than that: nobody had asked before—that was the difference.

Competent Isn't the Same Thing As Clear

Most financial advisors are competent. That was true of Dana’s advisor too—nothing dishonest, nothing unusual, by the numbers he did fine. But competent isn’t the same as clear, and clear is what a client is actually paying for.

When that same research asked women what they wanted to feel after getting financial guidance, the top answers were confident (68 percent), in control (61 percent), protected (53 percent), and heard (40 percent). None of them said wealthier.

Dana asks about everything now. Not because she got smarter about money; she always understood it. Because the meetings changed.